A New Chapter

17/1/2025

Semoga ybs weekend ini bisa meluangkan waktu untuk mengobrol sebentar🤲🏼🤍

17/1/2025

2025 resign ya Allah, tolong🤧 Aku udah ngerasa ga nyaman sm pekerjaan disini🤧 udah jenuh dan ngerasa ini perbuatan yg sia-sia  #MyBlogMyAspirationsBoard 

15/1/2025

Ya Allah, thank You for guiding our paths to cross in this vast world filled with so many people 🥹

15/1/2025

Semoga ikhtiar, pusing dan lelah kami berdua menghasilkan kebaikan 🥺

14/1/2025

Alhamdulillah kemajuan, doi udh bisa memuji😂 sbg anak yg words of affirmation ini, pujian tipis ini membuatku happy sekali✨️

13/1/2025

It takes less than a minute to check in with someone, loh dear😔Just a simple message can make someone feel calm, remembered, and remind them they matter. It might seem like a small act of thoughtfulness, but it actually makes a big impact. I mean, it actually can make someone's day feeling at peace knowing that you are fine🥲

12/1/2025

Allah tuh baik banget, selalu mendengar dan menjawab harapan dan doa2 baik yg sepele sampai yg besar. Kalo diinget-inget banyak hal yg terjadi di hidup ini yg dulu pernah aku doain, yg kayanya ga akan nyata bahkan lupa pernah minta (walaupun jalannya berliku2 yaa) 🥲 termasuk doa aku untuk papa, untuk mama, adik, dan my special someone. Astagfirullah walaupun aku kdg masih ga konsisten berdoa, semoga aku selalu bs berprasangka baik dan percaya dg rencana-Nya

12/1/2025

Ahahaha aku mimpi bertemu tp melelahkan bgt kucing2an sm keluarga. Kenapa sih di mimpi pun msh hrs sembunyi2 alias backstreet🥲 doi ngasih booklet isinya hal2 lucu dan unik yg pernah terjadi dlm hidupnya, aduh tp bener2 lupa isinya apa pdhl lucu banget🥲

11/1/2025

Knp ya kita ga bisa ketemu setiap hari aja, makan bareng setiap hari, dan ngobrol setiap hari 😢 

11/1/2025

Not even greet me huh? 🫠

10/1/2025

Pdhl hr ini agak lelah, tp knp malam2 aku mellow tb2 yh. Besok mau puasa ah bismillah🥲 aduh kl abis nulis tulisan yg suuzon aku tuh takut tb2 mimpi lagi. Apa krn ini aku mellow🥲 ya Allah knp begini🥲

10/1/2025

Aduh lagi banyak bacot nih akyu krn udh lama ga nulis, dan lg meminimalisir curcol kemana2

Abis baca tulisan mua yg lumayan gw suka karyanya, tntg bahagianya dia menemukan bakat dan kesukaannya tiba2 di usia dewasa, tntg dia selalu upgrade ilmu dan skill-nya walaupun menguras uang tp itu adalah investasi terbaik yg dia rasakan. 

I wishhhh I had time and money to spend on courses I like, huaaaa that copperplate calligraphy, that floral, wreath and watercolor style, that many styles and consistency of hand lettering🤧 one day, one day. 

10/1/2025

Maybe I’ve been wrong. Maybe he doesn’t actually like me for me. Maybe it’s not about my personality or the little things we share. Maybe it’s just... the way I keep trying so hard?

What if he enjoys the power of it? The way I chase him, how much I want him. Maybe he keeps me around because he knows I like him too much to stop. That I’ll keep holding on, doing everything I can to make it work.

The thing is, yes, I love him. I really do. But at the same time, I’ve been letting him go. quietly in my prayers.

9/1/2025

I’ve been thinking, my Netflix choices lately are literally just Barbie Dreamhouse (all seasons) and the newer seasons of SpongeBob SquarePants (season 8 and 9, to be specific). Not exactly the most grown-up choices, right? But today made me realize something: I think I’m actually growing up a bit wkwk

Work was kinda bit hectic, with a lot of little things/people going wrong here and there. Nothing huge, just typical work stuff. Nothing major, but my workmates seemed super irritated, like, really irritated. Every little thing felt like the end of the world to them, and they couldn’t stop talking about it. Every little issue spark a full-on rant🔥 But honestly? None of it felt like a big deal to me. I just did what I had to do and moved on.

Don’t get me wrong, I know their feelings are valid. But I couldn’t help but think, "Is it really worth letting these tiny things consume us?" Like, yeah, it’s annoying, but why let it ruin your mood?

I don’t know, maybe I’ve just gotten better at brushing things off. It’s like I’ve quietly decided that not everything deserves my energy.

So yeah, here I am, watching Barbie and SpongeBob, and yet somehow feeling like I’m stepping into this “adulting” thing wkwkwk (?)

9/1/2025

My dear, 

I need to thank you, not just for helping me through this scholarship application process but for believing in me when I couldn’t even believe in myself. Before you, I never would’ve looked twice at this scholarship.  I know It’s super competitive, with an acceptance rate so low it feels impossible and feels "not for me".

But you? You showed up for me. And little by little, you made me get up and face it. Even when it was hard, even when I doubted myself so much that I wanted to give up, you didn’t let me, I appreciate your understanding of how I need your encouraging and understanding words. 

The thing is, this wasn’t just about writing essays or checking things off a to-do list. It felt bigger than that. It felt like we were proving something to each other. Believing and understanding in each other. I know I didn’t do this alone. I did it because I love you.

I don’t know if I’ll get in or not, and I don’t know if that will disappoint you. But what I do know is that I’m grateful. Grateful for the process, for everything I learned, and for everything we proved to each other along the way. And I wish you feel the same. 

8/1/2025

Mungkin yg dibilang tmnku itu ada benernya😢😥😓😟🥺

7/1/2025

Never imagined that 26+ year-old me having this kind of relationship. No one, I say no one would understand this kind of dynamic. Oh what have I done in the pastt😭 i love you but pleaaaseee tell me something nice 😭

7/1/2025

Kerjaan di kantor lagi banyak banget tp malah cuti🤧 aku merasa bersalah🤧

Ortu jg kynya ga seneng aku cuti ga jelas🤧

Cuti pun aku tidak sedang bersenang-senang, tapi stres dan sakit kepala🤧 

Sebenernya aku lagi ngapain🤧  apa sih yg lagi aku kejar🤧

5/1/2025

Ya Allah aku mohon atas segala usaha dan pengorbananku selama ini yg bikin kepala mau pecah, tabunganku banyak terpakai, airmataku bercucuran, semoga Engkau ganti dengan memberikanku pasangan hidup yang mencintaiku, yg sayaaaang banget sama aku, yg setia, yg mau mengusahakan dan berjuang untuk aku, yg peduli, yg bisa mendengar dan memahami, yg mampu menjadi pemimpin sekaligus teman hidup yg membawa kebahagiaan dunia dan akhirat. 

Ya Allah yang Maha Mendengar dan Mengabulkan Doa, aku yakin Engkau punya rencana yg terbaik, bantu aku menerima dg lapang apapun ketentuan-Mu 🤲🏼

3/1/2025

Silently crying on public transport is another level of pain

3/1/2025

3 rapat di kantor plus driving lesson hari ini walaupun diawali dengan bengong pagi hari sambil mikir "aku mau cuti aja"😭💪

3/1/2025

Bangun tidur lgsg terngiang sm salah satu ucapannya yg kejam. Ya Allah boleh ga aku ga usah hidup aja di dunia ini 😢

2/1/2025

Bener2 aku ngantuk bgt😭

2/1/2025

Plis jgn demam, kerjaannya lagi banyak nih 🥲

1/1/2025

Happy New Year!☺️

31/12/2024

This New Year’s Eve feels so different. No foods, no celebrations just me, here in my room with a headache after a long day at the office. I also canceled everything tomorrow; my make up class, family gathering, etc. 

Tonight is 1 Rajab, so I’m taking it as a sign to remind myself to be tawakkal more and better by doing intensive prayer.

Tomorrow, it’s back to work, cz the school applications are waiting for me. Every time I think about them, I feel a mix of anxiety and dizziness. Really. 

31/12/2024

Sadar ga sadar selama ini gw romanticizing hal-hal yg ternyata ga usah di-romanticized. Kaya.. hahaha menyedihkan wkwkk  #self-deprecating. Dear all, this story is such  series of hurdles and tests (of my patience, determination, and effort)  not a romance genre like my head had been constructed this entire time hehehe 🤗 hugs diriku sendiri👐 

30/12/2024

Can I just delete this chapter. Like can I delete the whole story? Can I delete everything? Or can I just turn back time? Things are going non sense 

30/12/2024

Udah udah udaaaah udahan jd cegil 

30/12/2024

Alhamdulillah, it has been a month since that very beautiful day.  Meeting you for the first time was everything I could have hoped for and more. A day where I could sleep with smile on my face. It feels so unreal ☺️

Even now, thinking about it makes my heart ache in the sweetest way😌

Is it too much to hope for a day when we’ll never have to say goodbye?🥲

29/12/2024

Ya Allah aku ga mau jd cegil lagi. Capek😢

I hope it's you, but if it's not... 

If I ever find love again, I wish it is love where I could love loudly with whole my heart without holding back. Where his feelings and intentions are clear, so clear that I never have to read between the lines or second guess where we stand. I wish I could show my care deeply without afraid of being too much. I wish I could ask any difficult questions without being fear that he might run away. I wish to a love that is certain and choose me, a love that loves me. A love that is not one-sided😢

29/12/2024

Emergency situation; I almost forgot the sound of your voice 😣 so please call me😣😣😣🤲🏼🙏✨️☺️

29/12/2024

Aduh udh daftar make up class di tahun baru tapi Uwa (kaka mama) ngajak ngumpul2😭 kalo gw ga ikut pasti uwa tersinggung. Tapi bnrn lg males ngumpul keluarga😭 takut pada kepo nanya ke Singapur sama siapa😭 

28/12/2024

I just stumbled upon something I wasn’t quite prepared for, though it didn’t really surprise me but still, it's a mixed feeling. And it hit me in a way I didn't expect. It's actually something good and shouldn't really makes me sad but it’s hard not to feel the weight of their hopes on my shoulders. It’s not sadness, really. More like a mix of gratitude and guilt I can't quite sort out. 

I wish I could call him and share this with him 😮‍💨 or.. not

28/12/2024 

Alhamdulillah setelah berhari-hari merenung, keliling mall, buka berbagai ecommerce, instagram, chat vendor, dll buat  nyari souvenir acara pengukuhan papa. Setelah mempertimbangakan souvenir apa yg harganya affordable (thx to voucher shopee) tapi pantes dan bermerek, anti mainstream tapi hrs bisa kepake semua org (pusing ga tuh).. Akhirnya ketemu jugaa😌

Yaudah deh semoga pada suka dan happy! Nanti difoto kalo udh jadi. Tinggal pesen dan desain paper/goodie bag aja deh✨️

26/12/2024

After that heartfelt conversation with Allah a few nights ago, I truly believe He heard my dua. I’ve stopped asking “why” and trying to force things to work my way. Instead, I’ve learned to let go and let the signs unfold as they’re meant to. If something feels too difficult or uncertain, maybe it’s just not what’s best for me. And if he’s meant for me, it’ll happen in Allah’s time. Cause his heart, like mine, isn’t in my control—it’s in His, The Owner of Our Hearts. And that’s exactly where I need to leave it.  

I know it won’t be easy because he’s the one my heart desires. But if it’s not meant to be, I pray Allah grants me the patience to endure, the understanding to accept, and the wisdom to trust in His far better plan🥺

24/12/2024

Yesterday, my heart felt unbearably heavy. I had planned to pour my heart out to Allah during the last third of the night,  But in the evening, I realized I had started my period. I felt a little sad, but then Alhamdulillah, I had uninterrupted deep sleep starting from 8 PM. There wasn’t even the slightest pain or cramp in my stomach.

At 1 AM, I woke up. There was no alarm, no disturbance, just silence. I tried to close my eyes again, to return to sleep, but something stirred in my soul. It felt like I was invited to a conversation. So, I sat up, turned to face the qibla, and let myself feel. I felt everything I had tried to push away: every sadness, every confusion, every unanswered question. And Slowly, the tears began to fall. 

I begged for the strength cause I know how weak I am as a human. Then suddenly heavy rain started to pour. As if the rain was sent to wash away my pain and worries. Each drop that fell felt like a sign of Allah’s mercy, His reassurance that He was listening, that He understood every unspoken word. And by the time I finished talking to Him, the rain began to subside, like it was enough. 

It was raining in the last third of the night, the most blessed time. It was a reminder that Allah’s love is always near, deeply, unconditionally. In my sadness, He was there. In my silence, He was there. In my tears, He was always ready to heal.

He was always near, closer than I could ever imagine.

23/12/2024

Oh ya, happy mother's day ma. When my chest feels heavy and the world feels too much to bear, I often find myself unable to say a word. Instead, I just come to you and lie down beside you until I fall asleep. Thank you for always being my anchor, my strength, and my peace 🤍

22/12/2024

I didn’t even know I was capable of loving someone like this until you. The kind of love where you give selflessly, stretch yourself endlessly, and offer unconditional understanding where all you want is the best for him.

But now I see… I’ve been dreaming. Dreaming that you’d love me the same way. Dreaming that you’d care enough to ask what I need, what I want, and what it would take to make this work for both of us. 

I’ve reached a point where addressing these issues feels useless. Even if I reacted, it wouldn’t change anything.

So now, I just need to face the reality I’ve been avoiding. It's surely hard but one step at a time, I’ll learn to love and choose myself again😢

21/12/2024

"Wait for the right time" "wait for the chances" that sentences hit me harder tonight. That sentence cut deeper than ever. Much deeper than two years ago, when you first told me to endlessly waiting for the chances for the possibility of us finally meeting in person.

I thought when we decided to let each other in, we were starting to share the same vision. I thought, you would respect my patience as much as I respected your timing and priorities too. But now I realize, I'm not on your plans, I'm not in your vision. 

Cause I know you are a planner: For everything in youf life, you treat them with proactive, determined and organized. Everything.. Except me. Turns out I'm the one you've put on the sidelines.  

My dear, my love, should I always be the one holding the space? The one making the “chance" and fit the your “right time”? Should I? Should I be the one compromising?

can’t find the words to describe how this makes me feel...how it makes me question my worth.

I’ve pleaded with God to take this love from me, to help me let go of the feelings I’ve carried so deeply, to detach my heart from you and this one-sided story.

My dear, the endless patience that you asked of me has only left me feeling sad and empty. In my dreamland, you would be sorry for making me feel this way.  In my dreams, I wish you could see me, truly see what I've been carrying. But in reality, you’ll never understand. You won’t ever realize it. And it's always been my fault. 

Like my efforts, my emotions, my patience seems got unnoticed all this time. That no matter how many times I gave you time and understanding, it was never enough😢

20/12/2024

Kemarin pengen tidur cepet krn pusing dan capek. Berharap tidur yg lelap banget, udh berdoa segala macem. Eh malah mimpi ga jelas sampe kebangun -_- knp ya tiap mau detached, atau nyerah malah dikasih mimpi. Lupa sih sequence-nya gmn krn ga jelas. Tp aku inget dpt sweet text yg kayanya ga mungkin dia bakal ngetik kaya gitu😂 terus kita punya peta (kaya peta Dora the Explorer) yg isinya tempat2 yg hrs kita kunjungi di Lombok? Trs ada orang ketiga (ini siapa dan apa perannya ngapain gw lupa bgt)??? agak sinetron emang. Akhirnya pas bangun masih sakit kepala🥲

19/12/2024

Like I'm  never enough 

18/12/2024

Kangen umrah 😢 kalo menurut org2 Ka'bah itu magical dan bikin terharu, menurutku ada yg jauh lebih2 magical yaitu raudhah: Raudhah min Riyadhil Jannah bagian dari Masjid Nabawi yang dijuluki sebagai taman dari taman surga yg terletak di antara rumah Nabi (sekarang makam Nabi) dan mimbar. Tempat yg awaken my religious side, (padahal waktu itu masih SMA, lagi bandel2nya,  seriuously bandel, bahkan kl boleh pgn lepas hijab wkwkkw) No expectation jg pas pertama kali mau ke raudhah, bahkan pas antre masuk aku tidur (wudhunya batal dong krn aku tidur udh semi tengkurep). Tapi pas sampe sana, di tempat yg sungguh amat menyiksa krn diinjak2 org, desak2an, aku lgsg nangis. Rasanya kaya ketemu 'rumah' dan rasanya ky 'disayang' (ga make sense dan lebay tp beneran) terutama pas salam ke makam rasul dari jauh sambil melambaikan tangan "assalamualaika ya rasulallah"  loh kok airmata netes trs 😂

ya Allah aku rindu dipeluk angin Madinah, rindu tanah yg membawa ketenangan dan kedamaian yg ga bisa dijelaskan dengan kata-kata🥺 

17/12/2024

Hari ini aku merasaa

Seneng punya temen2 kerja yang bikin hari2ku at peace dan happy ketawa2 setiap hari💜

Senengnya mamaku yg lovely nyiapin banyak sayuran dan sambal cikur tempe bakar kesukaanku pas aku sampai rumah💖

Senangnya papa bawain oleh2 banyak snack2 unik, berbagai macam keju, abaya sampe piyama buat aku💞

Senengnya punya Mbak yang baik dan sigap, sering mau anterin aku ke stasiun, mau ajarin aku masak, dan pas pulang nanya "ooh kaka suka makanan kampung kaya gini ya" (mba lg diminta bantu masak) 😂

Senengnya punya adek yg walaupun jutek dan ngeselin tapi kalo aku bilang "de aku kangen makan subway ky di singapur" lgsg dia beliin pulang kerja🥺

Alhamdulillah I'm so full of love so I won't take them for granted✨️

17/12/2024

Rise and shine, baby girl 🌞.

I don’t know why, but after giving every ounce of effort and every piece of my heart, I feel… great. Maybe it’s because I know I did my part. I gave it my all, I showed up. Sure, I might get hurt thinking about the things he said about how his family perceives me. But you know what, that doesn’t define me. I know who I am and I know exactly what I bring to the table. 

So pick yourself up, move forward and shine brighter girl😊

17/12/2024

The love that I deserve

May it be the kind of love that sees me, truly sees me, and values me for who I am. I hope it’s a love that doesn’t turn me into a joke or make me feel like I have to beg to be wanted.

A love that is proud of me. A love that trusts in my ability to become even better, while  embraces me as I am now.

May it be a love that is thankful for what I give, and never takes my effort for granted. 

Most of all, I hope it’s a love that’s sure and ready: ready to choose me every single day. With no hesitation or doubt. To stay and grow something beautiful together.

17/12/2024

I thought that in this chapter, I wouldn't need to write phrases like "give up" anymore. But the truth is, I have to. I have to learn to let go... 

17/12/2024

This stubborn eldest daughter needs to be in mom's tight hug and get some dad's head kisses today

16/12/2024

 I know a woman should be tough, should hold her head high, should have her boundaries, and be strong inside and out. She should know her place, her worth, and behave with grace. She should stand up for herself. But tonight... tonight, I can't be that strong.

My tears... I can no longer hold them back. I never asked for too much—not even the bare minimum. So how could you dare tell me I'm unworthy? That I am that bad?

You know how much I love you, how I’ve always tried to meet you where you are, to understand you, to care for you in ways that go beyond words. How could you? 

It does hurt... ya Allah. 

15/12/2024

It hurts, actually 

14/12/2024

Imagine a stack of blocks.  There’s everything you care about in there: your career, health, family, friends, hobby, dreams, even your happiness and time. And then... there's me. Sometimes, I feel like I’m at the very bottom of your stack. Other times, I feel like I’m not even part of it like just left off completely when I don't seem to fit or when it's not convenient. 

Meanwhile, since I found you, you weren't just another block. You were the piece that made me think "this is the one that makes it all better, that I will handle with care and love"

Dear readers (no readers actually😅) you might wanna laugh at me but yeah, it is what it is.. 

I get it, there’s so much that needs your attention and you got a lot going on. But being the piece that always left out.... is kinda... sad and confusing🙂

13/12/2024

"If he wanted to, he would. And if he doesn't, it simply means he chooses not to" remember that mindset. 

12/12/2024

I was there and I've never knew that someone's eyes could be so deep and bright at the same time. It's warm and gentle, felt like the world faded away and time was irrelevant. 

If this story doesn’t lead to a happy ending, may these memories remain beautiful for me. And may I be ready of whatever may come.

11/12/2024

I actually don't know what on his mind. As he has no exact plan for us, it makes me wonder that maybe he doesn't want me enough. Maybe he is just waiting for me to get tired over and over again or he is hoping that I would be the one that walk away. Who knows?

10/12/2024 (late)

It's like clinging to something fragile🙁

10/12/2024

When he shared that he feels loved when someone cooks for him, I realized that food was more than just food. It’s a love language. It’s about the effort, care, and thought behind every meal. But here’s the thing: I’ve never been much of a cook. So, I’m starting small, learning recipes, and experimenting with ingredients. 

Love also means respecting each other’s worlds. He has a packed schedule: work, research, and personal time. Instead of feeling left out or frustrated, I’m learning to respect his priorities. But let me be honest: this takes patience. A lot. We would never have reached this point if I had had no patience for the past two years.

After our recent trip, I’ve come to realize how much I appreciate his acts of service, such as taking care of things without being asked, noticing the little details of what I might want or need, and making sure I was happy and comfortable the entire time. These thoughtful gestures made me feel truly cared for and, most importantly, safe. Moreover, his willingness to compromise and be considerate has made me trust him to take this to the next level.

While I’m learning to love him in his language, I also hope he will learn to love me in mine. My primary love language is words of affirmation. For me, words hold significant meaning. A heartfelt compliment or encouragement, such as a simple "I appreciate you" or constant assurance that I matter, fills my heart in ways actions alone sometimes can’t. It’s not just about flattery—it’s about feeling seen and valued through language. 

I truly appreciate everything he does, and I can’t help but hope that one day he’ll understand how much words of affirmation would mean to me; they’d make things feel not just practical but also deeply fulfilling on an emotional level.

Because at the end of the day, love isn’t about doing what’s easy; it’s about doing what’s meaningful. and I wish for us to build a love where we’re both willing to learn and grow.