A New Chapter

3/04/2024

 I made myself get up. I cooked spinach mushroom sauce with Swiss brown mushrooms, grilled some chicken, and have an “healthy” instant noodles because, well, I needed something comforting.

I hugged my cat and whispered, "I need to hug you, please?" He didn’t resist, just let me hold him, warm and soft against my chest. It was one of those moments where I realized how much I needed something to hold onto.

But deep down, something feels off. I’ve been feeling distant from Allah, like my heart is too tired to even reach out. I used to sit on my sajadah, just talking to Him. Now, I don’t. Not because I don’t want to, but because I feel... far. Maybe I’ve wandered too much. Maybe my heart is just exhausted.

So today, I tried something small. I listened to Nouman Ali Khan and Omar Suleiman on youtube, letting their words settle in. A tiny attempt to find my way back. 

And today is Friday. May today become a perfect day for me to reconnect, reflect and tawakkul more and more. 

I’m still in pain, and I feel so down... but nobody should know. I keep it all in, pretending everything is fine. But after all, I can’t handle it by myself. I need Allah. I need Him. More than anything..

2/04/2025

I wish I had a chance to rise again, to come back stronger, had a power to heal and shine brighter

2/04/2025

I don't want to distract myself with other things. I want to recognize, despite all the fortunate circumstances and things I should be grateful for in this life... I feel like a failure.

1. I was raised in an emotionally dysfunctional family. I live with parents who, on the surface, are kind and generous to everyone except me, on a deeper level. They provide what I need, but emotionally, I feel overlooked. It's hard to explain. 

2. My job has become a joke. The longer I stay, the more unfulfilling it feels. It makes me feel like I’m wasting my time, like I’m just going through the motions with no real purpose.

3. Love? The kind of love that’s supposed to be a refuge, pure, and unconditional? It didn’t happen in my life. Even when I thought I found the love of my life, it turned out to be transactional. The love I thought was real has tested me repeatedly. It had been told me that I was just an option, not allowed to demand anything while the timeline remains unclear for 2 years long. Then it's a love that asked me to be brave enough to travel abroad alone, to meet a stranger. A love that’s conditional. A love that expected me to pave the way and make things easier for him. A love that would accept me only if I could achieve one thing, if I could make him proud, if I could make his family 'see' me, if I could fund myself in the initial years and so on...  I’ve done everything, I'm willing to give him anything. But... in my first and only life,  I maybe am just a failure. 

30/03/2025

I spent the night before Eid just... wandering. Took an empty train, sat there watching the city rush past, then walked across a pedestrian bridge, feeling the breeze. Ended up at the mall, lost in the crowd but still very much alone. Did some grocery shopping, grabbed a meal by myself. Just me, my thoughts, and the noise of the world around me.

Eid eveI just leaves me... empty. Not sad, not happy. Just this weird, in-between feeling. 

Sometimes I questioning my existence in this world, and sometimes... I wish I could just disappear. Just... quietly fade away, like I was never here in the first place 

29/03/2025

...

19/03/2025

People see me as the princess of the family. The untouchable one. The effortless one. Maybe even the stupid one. But the truth is, I’ve been fighting my whole life.

I oftenly on the opposite side of my parents. They doubt me. They push me. And most of the time, I push back.

When I graduated from elementary school, they forced me to apply to a boarding school. I refused, but what power did I have as a kid? In the end, I had to take the test. It was super competitive, but I passed. And yet, I knew deep in my heart I couldn’t be there. So I didn’t. And I still proved that I could shine brightly. 

When I was about to graduate from university, they didn’t trust that I was actually working on my thesis. They thought I would need an extra semester, just like many other students during the pandemic. They even pressured me to apply for an extension. But I finished on time. I got an A. I graduated cum laude.

Then they doubted that I could find a job. They wanted me to apply for a master’s program right away at the same university. I refused. I wanted to work. I wanted to prove that I could stand on my own. And I did.

Even in my personal life, they have their doubts. They might think I’m too strong-willed, too independent, too rock-headed to find a life partner. But I know myself. I know what I need, what I want, and what I’m willing to fight for. That’s why I say no when something doesn’t feel right. That’s why I don’t let anyone, even my parents, decide my life for me.

I don’t know why I’m still angry. I know their doubts come from a place of love, maybe even fear. But please, trust me.

I’m so sorry that all my life, I haven’t been able to bring you peace. That I always make you worry. That my choices have never been the easy ones. But I need you to trust me. I need my strength to trust my own path, even when it looks difficult, even when it seems impossible.

Please, just wait.

19/03/2025

Ya Allah gimana ini blm siap menghadapi 10 hari terakhir Ramadan😭 knp cepet bgt😭

19/03/2025

Kgn bgt 😭

18/03/2025

Hari Jumat masih lama ya :(

16/03/2025

I should have just told you the truth. I should have said, “Yes, something is weighing on me. Yes, it’s heavy. Yes, I feel like I can’t breathe under it.” But instead, I smiled. I changed the subject. I acted like everything was fine.

And you noticed. Of course, you did. You always do.

Not because I didn’t trust you. I did. But because I was afraid. Afraid of making my sadness real by putting it into words.

But the thing is… I don’t want to be strong all the time. I want to be able to let my guard down, to be vulnerable, to tell you when I’m struggling without feeling like I have to protect myself. I want to trust that I can be messy in front of you, and it won’t make you see me any differently.

Yeah... It was just me trying to hold myself together the only way I knew how 😢

when I’m ready, I hope I can share everything with you. And I hope you’ll still be there to listen 

Love,

Me. 

15/03/2025

It does feel heavy but... keep going... one breath at a time... 

15/03/2025

I still need this diary though, by writing here I can release a little the weight I've been carried. But for now, I’ll carry this quietly. 

I’ll be as cheerful as I can be when he calls. Because I love him, not just in the big ways, but in the smallest ones too. I love the sound of his voice. I do miss him. But the last thing I need is to hear something that makes me feel like he doesn’t care.

So, better to pretend that I’m okay.

15/03/2025

I don’t even know where to begin.

Maybe with the fact that I’m exhausted. That I’ve been trying so hard for so long—pushing forward, chasing a future, holding onto something, hoping that if I just keep going, things will finally fall into place.

And then today happened. Before I even had the chance to process all the sadness I was already carrying, my dad hit me with a question I wasn’t ready for.

He asked, gently, if I’d consider someone. Someone he thought might be good for me.

Without hesitation, I said no. No questions asked. No second thoughts. I made it look easy, like I didn’t care. Like it didn’t mean anything.

But the second I closed my door, it hit me. And I cried.

Because the truth is, I should’ve been able to tell him. Yes, I have someone. Yes, I love him. Yes, I want a future with him. But I didn’t say any of that. Because right now, I don’t even know if I can claim it as my reality.

And that’s what hurts the most.

In this season of life… can this be the one that’s the finale? Can I just wrap it up here?Like, Ya Allah, kayanya udah cukup aja deh cerita hidupku. I’m not saying this in a dark, dramatic way. I’m just… exhausted.

14/03/2025

Oh this life.... 

13/03/2025

Krn semalem gw ketiduran kaya org pingsan; bener2 ga sadar diri dari jam 18.30 sampe jam 4 subuh 🥲 hari ini gw bertekad pulang kantor mau lgsg ngerjain tugas2 yg blm selesai. Tapi... mendadak 30 menit sblm pulang ada yg ngajak ketemuan dan ngobrol panjang lebar lah lama bgt di cafe RS 🥲 knp ga ditolak? Krn emg orgnya baik sihh. Cewek yaaa ini (yaiyalah) dan dokter spesialis. Isi curhatannya mencengangkan lah pokoknya🤣 sorry blog aku udh males cerita sm kamu soalnya aku udh punya someone special yg telpon aku tiap minggu🥰 wkwkwk😛

Update: sampai stasiun kejebak hujan dan lg ga bw payung😪😪😪

13/03/2025

Kejam bgt sih.

11/03/2025

- Abis sahur baru sadar kalo (akhirnya) gw mens juga setelah 10 hari lebih telat :') Jadinya gw memutuskan ikut donor darah di kantor (mumpung blm terlalu banyak pendarahannya, pdhl sih ga boleh ya hrsnya) dan minum tablet besi setelahnya supaya gak lemes. 

- Highlight selanjutnya adalah tiba2 banyak kerjaan gara2 mendadak krn sblm libur lebaran ada akreditasi amerika yg nyusahin itu😫

- kemudian pulang kerja w turun di mall krn lapar dan ada promo buy one get one Gion sushi. The thing is.... gion sushi itu porsinya besar ya gw lupa bgt jd gw bener2 eneg ngabisin 2 plate sushi Allahuakbar, ga lagi2. Gw kayanya trauma makan sushi/pasta/keju2an dan semacamnya sampe 1 bulan ke depan. Tapi enak2 bgt sbnrnya ya versi lebih premiumnya sushi tei lah. Mungkin kpn2 kalo kesana sendirian lg gw cuma mau makan sup aja🥲🙏 

- niatnya mau berlama2 banget di resto sambil nonton youtube (yg bermanfaat y) dan merenungi esai gw. Tapi perut berasa kembung bgtttt mungkin krn gw sembelit ya udh 2 hari ga poop, trs gw ke toilet ternyata masih ga bisa jg 🙃 (wow cerita jorok ini ketularan si kk) 

- skrg masih sembelit ditambah vaginal cramps yg masya Allah 🤢 krn haid hari pertama, membuat gw memutuskan untuk tidur cepat malam ini. Byee!

- update: gabisa tidur perutku sakit😐

11/03/2025

Emg ga boleh kgn?

10/3/2025

Siang-sore ini mendadak grup gw (dan gw yakin banyak anak fkm lain yg lg ngomongin) gempar ngomongin salah satu akun instagram yg ga kita kenal tp kita follow sampe akhirnya misterinya terpecahkan dan itu kocak bgt😂 

Ya ampun kgn jg masa2  gosip dan terpingkal2 sm tmn2 kuliah sblm menjalani kehidupan yg sesungguhnya ini😭 

9/3/2025

Knp ya makanan2 yang dulu menurut gw enak bgt skrg rasanya jadi biasa aja. Biasa banget malah. Apa ada yg salah sm gw?

8/3/2025

 

8/3/2025

Even talking to him has become something I'm scared of

7/3/2025

I feel sorry for being existed😔

7/3/2025

Draining bgt ya Allah😢

6/3/2025

I study hard, I read the books, but everywhere I turn

It seems like there's a zillion things that I still need to learn...

I've got the shoes, I've got the dress! That makes me a princess, I guess

I have all the stuff, but is it enough, to make me a success?

Oh, how do I keep on trying and just stay strong. When so many times, I wonder if I belong?

Sofia the First - I belong

28/2/2025

Hari-hari Malika kalau lagi bengong itu dia lagi mikirin flow esainya dia yg ga selesai2 itu. 

27/2/2025

Lagi sakit bukannya ditanya kabar malah ditanyain tugas 🙂👍

26/2/2025

Huft perbedaan waktu, jarak dan kesibukan ini 🥺🥺

26/2/2025

Aku berhasil melewati hari ini yg super heboh —udah kaya hajatan— ini dengan tenggorokan sakit, hidung meler, badan anget dan diare 👍

25/2/2025

nanti aku hrs punya keluarga dg regulasi emosi dan kemampuan komunikasi yg baik, saling menghargai pendapat dan membawa ketenangan satu sama lain. Aamiin🤲🏼

25/2/2025

Wah radangnya beneran bgt ditambah flu dan mulai demam 🥲 knp di saat yg tidak tepat 🥲

24/2/2025

- radang tenggorokan 😮‍💨

- hrs save energy krn hari rabu butuh banyak energi untuk jadi extra extrovert. Pdhl lagi gloomy inside huft. Ya Allah semoga acaranya lancar dan orangtuaku sehat kuat🤲🏼

23/2/2025

Today, I feel like I lost 

Ancaman halusnya yg berkali2 sudah disampaikan, yg terkahir ini bikin terngiang. Harus lulus katanya. Kepada aku yg sedang berusaha. 

....

23/2/2025

Sbnrnya yaaaaaa gw suka takut keceplosan kl ngomong ke dia pake embel2 "say" krn gw sm kucing aja sayang2an apalagi sm org yg sangat aq sayangi ini takut otomatis gt😫 

Kapan yaaaaaaa kl kangen gw bs bilang "hellooo just wanna let u know that I miss u, take care honey, love u" 😫😫😫 

muntah gak lo

20/2/2025

Lately, I've came across the dua of Prophet Yunus again:

Laa ilaaha illa anta, subhaanaka inni kuntu minazh-zhaalimiin.

This dua has always been familiar to me, something I’ve recited countless times without understanding it's meaning. But today I've learned that the dua is not about asking for help. It's about tauhid, acknowledgement of Allah's perfection and our own mistakes. Like simply saying "ya Allah, this is on me, I've been wrong" 

And yet, this is not a dua of despair, it is a dua of hope. Prophet Yunus said this when he was swallowed by the whale, lost in layers of darkness: the darkness of the night, the darkness of the ocean, and the darkness of the whale’s stomach. If anyone had reason to give up, it was him. And yet, he turned to Allah, not even asking to be saved, but simply acknowledging the truth. And Allah did save him. 

I was in tears because if Prophet Yunus, trapped in an impossible situation, could still find a way back to Allah, then no matter how lost I feel, I am not beyond His mercy. 

Maybe I did choose the wrong career path. Maybe I have made mistakes. Maybe I don’t know where this journey will lead. But if there’s one thing I can do, it is to stop running from my own truth and turn back to Him. 

The story of Prophet Yunus reminds me that even in the darkest moments, there is still light, cz Allah never abandons those who sincerely call upon Him.

And that is enough to keep going.

Blessed friday everyone! 

20/2/2025

- Di umur segini baru sadar kalo complexion gw itu ga terlalu warm dan ga terlalu cool. Hmm neutral tp cenderung ke cool. Selama bbrp bulan kemarin gw pake complexion warm tuh jadi kusam ya lama2 terutama kalo foto. So my holy moly grail complexion saat ini adalah: Esqa skin tint light + fair. Note: muka gw ga bagus kalo pake complexion kebanyakan. Maksimal 1 tetes light dan 1 tetes fair. Apakah cukup coverage? Engga, tp ini cukup bikin 'fresh' sedikit aja gt. Semoga ini produk ga discontinu dan tetap murah yaaaaa please aamiin. 

- 2025 is my nude lippies era🤣 ternyata pake warna nude cocok2 aja tuh n ga bikin gw kaya org sakit cuma kaya lebih polos aja (wkwkwk) bye byeee red or brick lippiees! Fav products: hmm apa aja sih yg diskon, selama ini suka Esqa atau Maybelline.

Wow sudah lama tdk selfie lusuh di tengah hari kerja (to be deleted)

- Perjalanan aq mencari parfum yg sesuai budget, cocok melekat dg kepribadian tuh susaaaaaaah bgt loh. Apalagi w GAK suka coba2 dan ngoleksi. Belasan (atau puluhan ya) kali salah beli walaupun udah ke toko lgsg. Soalnya parfum tuh menurut w hrs punya top notes dan dry down yg mencerminkan diri gt, bukan sekadar wangi/engga. Main accords-nya biasanya hrs ada vanilla, white floral, orchid, ada sedikit woody dan citrus 💐  

Sejauh ini w baru nemu 3 yg cocok bgt:

1. Felicity by Oriflame -discontinu

2. Nigritella by The Body Shop -discontinu

3. Pascal Morabito Perle Royale - Terancam discontinu 😭 hrs kmn lg aku mencari😭 mana tinggal setengah botol😭😭😭

 Sekian curhatan random tntg2 hal2 tidak penting🙏 

18/2/2025

Ga ada tuh gw terlintas aja dipikirannya untuk sedikit ditanya, atau dikabarin. Kecuali... kecuali kalo gw bikin sesuatu, baru ada komunikasi (re: progress essay, etc) Ya emg sih skrg progress gw lagi belajar dan brainstorm jd emg blm ada yg bisa disetor. Tapi hrs bgt ya ky gini? 🥲 gw pengertian kok tp boleh kali pengertian balik???  #bingung

15/2/2025

🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲

15/2/2025

Mungkin doi bosan dan jenuh menemani gw menjalani proses ini. 

15/2/2025

Ya ampun bangun2 gw diomelin

14/2/2025

Somehow, you are the answer to all the prayers prayed. I saw heaven breaking through in your eyes, since then, I knew that you are my miracle. 

Finally, with you I find myself at peace. My nerves settle, my heart rests.

But even in this calm, I hold myself back from feeling everything I should. Deep within, in the quietest corners of my soul, fear lingers. What if this is only temporary? What if I am just dreaming, lost in an illusion?

Yet, a part of me wants to believe. Wants to trust that this is real.

14/2/2025

Minggu-Jumat

Me: 🥺👍🙏😵😩

Him: 👨🏼‍🏫💬🙅‍♂️😊🤔

Sabtu

Us: 🥰☺️🙈📲😌🤣😤🫶

13/2/2025

Mual bgt sm kerjaan ditambah ngerjain ini ya Allah pusing🤧

10/2/2025

Kemarin tb2 demotivated bgt 😢 bismillah malem ini tidur cepet ya, jam 2 kita bangun lg 😊 

Ya Allah, make this task easy and do not make it difficult 🥺

9/2/2025

It's still a long long long long way just for a sigh of relief

6/2/2025

On my silent days, I look at your photo and whisper, "Ya Allah, this is the man I love." I can't thank Him enough for allowing me to truly experience a love in its most mature form the kind that is steady, deep, and calm.

Yet, in the quiet corners of my heart, I still wonder… Will we be destined for each other? The timeline remains unknown, and uncertainty lingers between us. But more than anything, I pray for the strength to accept whatever qadr Allah has written for me, even if I don’t yet know where it leads.

On my silent days, when life feels overwhelming and the future seems uncertain, I look back and remind myself of you. In those moments, I tell myself that actually, Allah only asks me to keep ikhtiar, because everything will unfold in its perfect time. And He is the best disposer of affairs, the best planner of all

*ikutan trend On My Silent Days ceritanya sambil pake backsound Niki gitu

2/2/2025

Hari ini diajak mama keliling mall dan bogor. Wow jarang2 banget mama jalan berdua sm aku 🥲 

Ya Allah bismillah 1 paragraf lg malam ini biar bisa diperiksa kk 🥲💪

2/2/2025

Ya Allah, begadang bikin badanku rasanya ancur, jantung berdebar, badan lemas meskipun tidurnya udah kebayar 🙁 tp gmn lg ya kan kangen, ini pun aku yang mau kok bukan dipaksa🙁

How to find the balance in this unofficial-long distance-relationship thing ya 😔 

Ya Allah mudahkan ini semua 🤲🏼

1/2/2025

I miss u I miss u I miss u

30/1/2025

Aku ngantuk bgt, nanti malem ada janji sm Allah.  Besok bakal sibuk di kantor, pulang jg masih ada bbrp urusan. Tp aku kangen bgt 🙁 hrs brp purnama lg sampe bisa ketemu kk 😮‍💨

30/1/2025

Aku kangen 😟 

28/1/2025

- Bbrp hari ini ketemu bayi-bayi. Kaya... campur aduk sih rasanya. Kagum/terharu sama new moms dengan cerita dan pengorbanannya selama kehamilan, persalinan dan mengurus newborn. 

- menurutku kalau udah punya pasangan, gelar sahabat nomor 1 itu pindah ke pasangan sih. Makanya pasangan yg bisa kita ajak ngobrol dg nyaman, nyambung tuh penting. Aku bersyukur banget dipertemukan (insya Allah) sama beliau, yg bisa sayang dan perhatian sebagai calon pasangan, yg bisa jadi kakak yg selalu menuntun dg sabar sekaligus bisa jadi temen cerita, diskusi dan bercanda. 

- perjalanan hampir 2,5 tahun ini menurutku bukan sekadar love story aja tapi tentang pertumbuhan diri, spiritualitas dan hubungan dengan Allah. Cerita ini kaya dongeng sih sebenarnya, yg harus aku susun dg baik nanti dalam bentuk tulisan.

24/1/2025

Niat hati mau bayar sisa utang puasa selama hari libur ini, tapi ternyata haid 🤧 gpp tapi alhamdulillah bbrp bulan terakhir ini jadwalku tepat waktu ga meleset 1 hari pun loh☺️

24/1/2025

Kehidupan sosialku sudah mulai kembali meriah🥲 gpp yaa mumpung ada dan bisa, jd harus disyukuri dan disambut lah yaa🥲 siapa tau taun depan udah ga bisa? Hehehhe (aamiiiinnn) 

Some indicators kalo aku ada di healthiest state of mind adalah: 

- cheerful and excited when meeting people (even my best friends once hard to believe that I'm an introvert. Yes I truly am an introvert with extrovert skills so when I do switch to my extroverted side, it means I've got the energy for it at that moment)

- I love taking care of myself religiously, whether it's skin, hair, nutrition, everything. But I've noticed when I'm stressed and not in the best state of mind, I tend to become permissive and stop caring myself the way I usually do. 

- become more positive, like I feel lighter, more optimistic and tend to focus on the brighter side.

Sooo, alhamdulillah right now I'm in quite best state of mind. 

Yaay can't wait having a phone conversation with him tomorrow 😆🫶

23/1/2025

I miss going through thestores with you, getting separated for a bit in the aisles, and then finding each other again, sharing little comments, laughing, and helping each other carry the things we picked up.

I miss the way you’d look me in the eyes when we talked 

I miss how you’d keep checking back to make sure I was okay, slowing down so I could catch up, so I never felt left behind (too far)

I miss seeing your smile when you waited for me at the lobby, standing there patiently

I miss the pauses in our conversations when we’d just look at each other instead of talking

I miss how I steal those silent stares because I wanted to freeze the moment and hold onto every second with you.

I miss sitting next to you on buses or trains feeling your presence even in silence, as if nothing else around us mattered.

I miss the way you taught me on how to take better pictures based on your standards.  I should’ve taught you how the latest generation aesthetic lens too😅 (next time) 

I just miss you. 

23/1/2025

Aku bersyukur dikasih ruang untuk selalu boleh bertanya apapun dan diberikan jawaban/tanggapan yg baik🙂

Ya Allaah aku ga mau lama-lama berpisah jauh kaya gini 🥺 

22/1/2025

Sabtu kemarin tiba2 ybs nanyain pernah/engga gw nulis tentang dia. Hehehehehe sbnrnya bukan cuma tulisan deh kayanya, lebih ke novel alias banyak bgt. Gw pernah janji ya mau capture tulisan pertama tntg ybs, tapi ketika gw baca lagi... ini terlalu berharga dan bersejarah untuk gw share disini🥲 yg boleh baca pertama kali selain diri gw sendiri, cuma ybs. Itupun nanti kalau ada rezeki dan berjodoh🥲

21/1/2025

Whenever I feel stuck, unsure or feeling like giving up, I remember how much I love him. How much I'm cared for. How his support has given me strength to keep going 🥹

19/1/2025

😢 

17/1/2025

Semoga ybs weekend ini bisa meluangkan waktu untuk mengobrol sebentar🤲🏼🤍

17/1/2025

2025 resign ya Allah, tolong🤧 Aku udah ngerasa ga nyaman sm pekerjaan disini🤧 udah jenuh dan ngerasa ini perbuatan yg sia-sia  #MyBlogMyAspirationsBoard 

15/1/2025

Ya Allah, thank You for guiding our paths to cross in this vast world filled with so many people 🥹

15/1/2025

Semoga ikhtiar, pusing dan lelah kami berdua menghasilkan kebaikan 🥺

14/1/2025

Alhamdulillah kemajuan, doi udh bisa memuji😂 sbg anak yg words of affirmation ini, pujian tipis ini membuatku happy sekali✨️

13/1/2025

It takes less than a minute to check in with someone, loh dear😔Just a simple message can make someone feel calm, remembered, and remind them they matter. It might seem like a small act of thoughtfulness, but it actually makes a big impact. I mean, it actually can make someone's day feeling at peace knowing that you are fine🥲

12/1/2025

Allah tuh baik banget, selalu mendengar dan menjawab harapan dan doa2 baik yg sepele sampai yg besar. Kalo diinget-inget banyak hal yg terjadi di hidup ini yg dulu pernah aku doain, yg kayanya ga akan nyata bahkan lupa pernah minta (walaupun jalannya berliku2 yaa) 🥲 termasuk doa aku untuk papa, untuk mama, adik, dan my special someone. Astagfirullah walaupun aku kdg masih ga konsisten berdoa, semoga aku selalu bs berprasangka baik dan percaya dg rencana-Nya

12/1/2025

Ahahaha aku mimpi bertemu tp melelahkan bgt kucing2an sm keluarga. Kenapa sih di mimpi pun msh hrs sembunyi2 alias backstreet🥲 doi ngasih booklet isinya hal2 lucu dan unik yg pernah terjadi dlm hidupnya, aduh tp bener2 lupa isinya apa pdhl lucu banget🥲

11/1/2025

Knp ya kita ga bisa ketemu setiap hari aja, makan bareng setiap hari, dan ngobrol setiap hari 😢 

11/1/2025

Not even greet me huh? 🫠

10/1/2025

Pdhl hr ini agak lelah, tp knp malam2 aku mellow tb2 yh. Besok mau puasa ah bismillah🥲 aduh kl abis nulis tulisan yg suuzon aku tuh takut tb2 mimpi lagi. Apa krn ini aku mellow🥲 ya Allah knp begini🥲

10/1/2025

Aduh lagi banyak bacot nih akyu krn udh lama ga nulis, dan lg meminimalisir curcol kemana2

Abis baca tulisan mua yg lumayan gw suka karyanya, tntg bahagianya dia menemukan bakat dan kesukaannya tiba2 di usia dewasa, tntg dia selalu upgrade ilmu dan skill-nya walaupun menguras uang tp itu adalah investasi terbaik yg dia rasakan. 

I wishhhh I had time and money to spend on courses I like, huaaaa that copperplate calligraphy, that floral, wreath and watercolor style, that many styles and consistency of hand lettering🤧 one day, one day. 

10/1/2025

Maybe I’ve been wrong. Maybe he doesn’t actually like me for me. Maybe it’s not about my personality or the little things we share. Maybe it’s just... the way I keep trying so hard?

What if he enjoys the power of it? The way I chase him, how much I want him. Maybe he keeps me around because he knows I like him too much to stop. That I’ll keep holding on, doing everything I can to make it work.

The thing is, yes, I love him. I really do. But at the same time, I’ve been letting him go. quietly in my prayers.

9/1/2025

I’ve been thinking, my Netflix choices lately are literally just Barbie Dreamhouse (all seasons) and the newer seasons of SpongeBob SquarePants (season 8 and 9, to be specific). Not exactly the most grown-up choices, right? But today made me realize something: I think I’m actually growing up a bit wkwk

Work was kinda bit hectic, with a lot of little things/people going wrong here and there. Nothing huge, just typical work stuff. Nothing major, but my workmates seemed super irritated, like, really irritated. Every little thing felt like the end of the world to them, and they couldn’t stop talking about it. Every little issue spark a full-on rant🔥 But honestly? None of it felt like a big deal to me. I just did what I had to do and moved on.

Don’t get me wrong, I know their feelings are valid. But I couldn’t help but think, "Is it really worth letting these tiny things consume us?" Like, yeah, it’s annoying, but why let it ruin your mood?

I don’t know, maybe I’ve just gotten better at brushing things off. It’s like I’ve quietly decided that not everything deserves my energy.

So yeah, here I am, watching Barbie and SpongeBob, and yet somehow feeling like I’m stepping into this “adulting” thing wkwkwk (?)

9/1/2025

My dear, 

I need to thank you, not just for helping me through this scholarship application process but for believing in me when I couldn’t even believe in myself. Before you, I never would’ve looked twice at this scholarship.  I know It’s super competitive, with an acceptance rate so low it feels impossible and feels "not for me".

But you? You showed up for me. And little by little, you made me get up and face it. Even when it was hard, even when I doubted myself so much that I wanted to give up, you didn’t let me, I appreciate your understanding of how I need your encouraging and understanding words. 

The thing is, this wasn’t just about writing essays or checking things off a to-do list. It felt bigger than that. It felt like we were proving something to each other. Believing and understanding in each other. I know I didn’t do this alone. I did it because I love you.

I don’t know if I’ll get in or not, and I don’t know if that will disappoint you. But what I do know is that I’m grateful. Grateful for the process, for everything I learned, and for everything we proved to each other along the way. And I wish you feel the same. 

8/1/2025

Mungkin yg dibilang tmnku itu ada benernya😢😥😓😟🥺

7/1/2025

Never imagined that 26+ year-old me having this kind of relationship. No one, I say no one would understand this kind of dynamic. Oh what have I done in the pastt😭 i love you but pleaaaseee tell me something nice 😭

7/1/2025

Kerjaan di kantor lagi banyak banget tp malah cuti🤧 aku merasa bersalah🤧

Ortu jg kynya ga seneng aku cuti ga jelas🤧

Cuti pun aku tidak sedang bersenang-senang, tapi stres dan sakit kepala🤧 

Sebenernya aku lagi ngapain🤧  apa sih yg lagi aku kejar🤧

5/1/2025

Ya Allah aku mohon atas segala usaha dan pengorbananku selama ini yg bikin kepala mau pecah, tabunganku banyak terpakai, airmataku bercucuran, semoga Engkau ganti dengan memberikanku pasangan hidup yang mencintaiku, yg sayaaaang banget sama aku, yg setia, yg mau mengusahakan dan berjuang untuk aku, yg peduli, yg bisa mendengar dan memahami, yg mampu menjadi pemimpin sekaligus teman hidup yg membawa kebahagiaan dunia dan akhirat. 

Ya Allah yang Maha Mendengar dan Mengabulkan Doa, aku yakin Engkau punya rencana yg terbaik, bantu aku menerima dg lapang apapun ketentuan-Mu 🤲🏼

3/1/2025

Silently crying on public transport is another level of pain

3/1/2025

3 rapat di kantor plus driving lesson hari ini walaupun diawali dengan bengong pagi hari sambil mikir "aku mau cuti aja"😭💪

3/1/2025

Bangun tidur lgsg terngiang sm salah satu ucapannya yg kejam. Ya Allah boleh ga aku ga usah hidup aja di dunia ini 😢

2/1/2025

Bener2 aku ngantuk bgt😭

2/1/2025

Plis jgn demam, kerjaannya lagi banyak nih 🥲

1/1/2025

Happy New Year!☺️

31/12/2024

This New Year’s Eve feels so different. No foods, no celebrations just me, here in my room with a headache after a long day at the office. I also canceled everything tomorrow; my make up class, family gathering, etc. 

Tonight is 1 Rajab, so I’m taking it as a sign to remind myself to be tawakkal more and better by doing intensive prayer.

Tomorrow, it’s back to work, cz the school applications are waiting for me. Every time I think about them, I feel a mix of anxiety and dizziness. Really. 

31/12/2024

Sadar ga sadar selama ini gw romanticizing hal-hal yg ternyata ga usah di-romanticized. Kaya.. hahaha menyedihkan wkwkk  #self-deprecating. Dear all, this story is such  series of hurdles and tests (of my patience, determination, and effort)  not a romance genre like my head had been constructed this entire time hehehe 🤗 hugs diriku sendiri👐 

30/12/2024

Can I just delete this chapter. Like can I delete the whole story? Can I delete everything? Or can I just turn back time? Things are going non sense 

30/12/2024

Udah udah udaaaah udahan jd cegil 

30/12/2024

Alhamdulillah, it has been a month since that very beautiful day.  Meeting you for the first time was everything I could have hoped for and more. A day where I could sleep with smile on my face. It feels so unreal ☺️

Even now, thinking about it makes my heart ache in the sweetest way😌

Is it too much to hope for a day when we’ll never have to say goodbye?🥲

29/12/2024

Ya Allah aku ga mau jd cegil lagi. Capek😢

I hope it's you, but if it's not... 

If I ever find love again, I wish it is love where I could love loudly with whole my heart without holding back. Where his feelings and intentions are clear, so clear that I never have to read between the lines or second guess where we stand. I wish I could show my care deeply without afraid of being too much. I wish I could ask any difficult questions without being fear that he might run away. I wish to a love that is certain and choose me, a love that loves me. A love that is not one-sided😢

29/12/2024

Emergency situation; I almost forgot the sound of your voice 😣 so please call me😣😣😣🤲🏼🙏✨️☺️

29/12/2024

Aduh udh daftar make up class di tahun baru tapi Uwa (kaka mama) ngajak ngumpul2😭 kalo gw ga ikut pasti uwa tersinggung. Tapi bnrn lg males ngumpul keluarga😭 takut pada kepo nanya ke Singapur sama siapa😭 

28/12/2024

I just stumbled upon something I wasn’t quite prepared for, though it didn’t really surprise me but still, it's a mixed feeling. And it hit me in a way I didn't expect. It's actually something good and shouldn't really makes me sad but it’s hard not to feel the weight of their hopes on my shoulders. It’s not sadness, really. More like a mix of gratitude and guilt I can't quite sort out. 

I wish I could call him and share this with him 😮‍💨 or.. not

28/12/2024 

Alhamdulillah setelah berhari-hari merenung, keliling mall, buka berbagai ecommerce, instagram, chat vendor, dll buat  nyari souvenir acara pengukuhan papa. Setelah mempertimbangakan souvenir apa yg harganya affordable (thx to voucher shopee) tapi pantes dan bermerek, anti mainstream tapi hrs bisa kepake semua org (pusing ga tuh).. Akhirnya ketemu jugaa😌

Yaudah deh semoga pada suka dan happy! Nanti difoto kalo udh jadi. Tinggal pesen dan desain paper/goodie bag aja deh✨️

26/12/2024

After that heartfelt conversation with Allah a few nights ago, I truly believe He heard my dua. I’ve stopped asking “why” and trying to force things to work my way. Instead, I’ve learned to let go and let the signs unfold as they’re meant to. If something feels too difficult or uncertain, maybe it’s just not what’s best for me. And if he’s meant for me, it’ll happen in Allah’s time. Cause his heart, like mine, isn’t in my control—it’s in His, The Owner of Our Hearts. And that’s exactly where I need to leave it.  

I know it won’t be easy because he’s the one my heart desires. But if it’s not meant to be, I pray Allah grants me the patience to endure, the understanding to accept, and the wisdom to trust in His far better plan🥺

24/12/2024

Yesterday, my heart felt unbearably heavy. I had planned to pour my heart out to Allah during the last third of the night,  But in the evening, I realized I had started my period. I felt a little sad, but then Alhamdulillah, I had uninterrupted deep sleep starting from 8 PM. There wasn’t even the slightest pain or cramp in my stomach.

At 1 AM, I woke up. There was no alarm, no disturbance, just silence. I tried to close my eyes again, to return to sleep, but something stirred in my soul. It felt like I was invited to a conversation. So, I sat up, turned to face the qibla, and let myself feel. I felt everything I had tried to push away: every sadness, every confusion, every unanswered question. And Slowly, the tears began to fall. 

I begged for the strength cause I know how weak I am as a human. Then suddenly heavy rain started to pour. As if the rain was sent to wash away my pain and worries. Each drop that fell felt like a sign of Allah’s mercy, His reassurance that He was listening, that He understood every unspoken word. And by the time I finished talking to Him, the rain began to subside, like it was enough. 

It was raining in the last third of the night, the most blessed time. It was a reminder that Allah’s love is always near, deeply, unconditionally. In my sadness, He was there. In my silence, He was there. In my tears, He was always ready to heal.

He was always near, closer than I could ever imagine.

23/12/2024

Oh ya, happy mother's day ma. When my chest feels heavy and the world feels too much to bear, I often find myself unable to say a word. Instead, I just come to you and lie down beside you until I fall asleep. Thank you for always being my anchor, my strength, and my peace 🤍

22/12/2024

I didn’t even know I was capable of loving someone like this until you. The kind of love where you give selflessly, stretch yourself endlessly, and offer unconditional understanding where all you want is the best for him.

But now I see… I’ve been dreaming. Dreaming that you’d love me the same way. Dreaming that you’d care enough to ask what I need, what I want, and what it would take to make this work for both of us. 

I’ve reached a point where addressing these issues feels useless. Even if I reacted, it wouldn’t change anything.

So now, I just need to face the reality I’ve been avoiding. It's surely hard but one step at a time, I’ll learn to love and choose myself again😢

21/12/2024

"Wait for the right time" "wait for the chances" that sentences hit me harder tonight. That sentence cut deeper than ever. Much deeper than two years ago, when you first told me to endlessly waiting for the chances for the possibility of us finally meeting in person.

I thought when we decided to let each other in, we were starting to share the same vision. I thought, you would respect my patience as much as I respected your timing and priorities too. But now I realize, I'm not on your plans, I'm not in your vision. 

Cause I know you are a planner: For everything in youf life, you treat them with proactive, determined and organized. Everything.. Except me. Turns out I'm the one you've put on the sidelines.  

My dear, my love, should I always be the one holding the space? The one making the “chance" and fit the your “right time”? Should I? Should I be the one compromising?

can’t find the words to describe how this makes me feel...how it makes me question my worth.

I’ve pleaded with God to take this love from me, to help me let go of the feelings I’ve carried so deeply, to detach my heart from you and this one-sided story.

My dear, the endless patience that you asked of me has only left me feeling sad and empty. In my dreamland, you would be sorry for making me feel this way.  In my dreams, I wish you could see me, truly see what I've been carrying. But in reality, you’ll never understand. You won’t ever realize it. And it's always been my fault. 

Like my efforts, my emotions, my patience seems got unnoticed all this time. That no matter how many times I gave you time and understanding, it was never enough😢

20/12/2024

Kemarin pengen tidur cepet krn pusing dan capek. Berharap tidur yg lelap banget, udh berdoa segala macem. Eh malah mimpi ga jelas sampe kebangun -_- knp ya tiap mau detached, atau nyerah malah dikasih mimpi. Lupa sih sequence-nya gmn krn ga jelas. Tp aku inget dpt sweet text yg kayanya ga mungkin dia bakal ngetik kaya gitu😂 terus kita punya peta (kaya peta Dora the Explorer) yg isinya tempat2 yg hrs kita kunjungi di Lombok? Trs ada orang ketiga (ini siapa dan apa perannya ngapain gw lupa bgt)??? agak sinetron emang. Akhirnya pas bangun masih sakit kepala🥲

19/12/2024

Like I'm  never enough 

18/12/2024

Kangen umrah 😢 kalo menurut org2 Ka'bah itu magical dan bikin terharu, menurutku ada yg jauh lebih2 magical yaitu raudhah: Raudhah min Riyadhil Jannah bagian dari Masjid Nabawi yang dijuluki sebagai taman dari taman surga yg terletak di antara rumah Nabi (sekarang makam Nabi) dan mimbar. Tempat yg awaken my religious side, (padahal waktu itu masih SMA, lagi bandel2nya,  seriuously bandel, bahkan kl boleh pgn lepas hijab wkwkkw) No expectation jg pas pertama kali mau ke raudhah, bahkan pas antre masuk aku tidur (wudhunya batal dong krn aku tidur udh semi tengkurep). Tapi pas sampe sana, di tempat yg sungguh amat menyiksa krn diinjak2 org, desak2an, aku lgsg nangis. Rasanya kaya ketemu 'rumah' dan rasanya ky 'disayang' (ga make sense dan lebay tp beneran) terutama pas salam ke makam rasul dari jauh sambil melambaikan tangan "assalamualaika ya rasulallah"  loh kok airmata netes trs 😂

ya Allah aku rindu dipeluk angin Madinah, rindu tanah yg membawa ketenangan dan kedamaian yg ga bisa dijelaskan dengan kata-kata🥺 

17/12/2024

Hari ini aku merasaa

Seneng punya temen2 kerja yang bikin hari2ku at peace dan happy ketawa2 setiap hari💜

Senengnya mamaku yg lovely nyiapin banyak sayuran dan sambal cikur tempe bakar kesukaanku pas aku sampai rumah💖

Senangnya papa bawain oleh2 banyak snack2 unik, berbagai macam keju, abaya sampe piyama buat aku💞

Senengnya punya Mbak yang baik dan sigap, sering mau anterin aku ke stasiun, mau ajarin aku masak, dan pas pulang nanya "ooh kaka suka makanan kampung kaya gini ya" (mba lg diminta bantu masak) 😂

Senengnya punya adek yg walaupun jutek dan ngeselin tapi kalo aku bilang "de aku kangen makan subway ky di singapur" lgsg dia beliin pulang kerja🥺

Alhamdulillah I'm so full of love so I won't take them for granted✨️

17/12/2024

Rise and shine, baby girl 🌞.

I don’t know why, but after giving every ounce of effort and every piece of my heart, I feel… great. Maybe it’s because I know I did my part. I gave it my all, I showed up. Sure, I might get hurt thinking about the things he said about how his family perceives me. But you know what, that doesn’t define me. I know who I am and I know exactly what I bring to the table. 

So pick yourself up, move forward and shine brighter girl😊

17/12/2024

The love that I deserve

May it be the kind of love that sees me, truly sees me, and values me for who I am. I hope it’s a love that doesn’t turn me into a joke or make me feel like I have to beg to be wanted.

A love that is proud of me. A love that trusts in my ability to become even better, while  embraces me as I am now.

May it be a love that is thankful for what I give, and never takes my effort for granted. 

Most of all, I hope it’s a love that’s sure and ready: ready to choose me every single day. With no hesitation or doubt. To stay and grow something beautiful together.

17/12/2024

I thought that in this chapter, I wouldn't need to write phrases like "give up" anymore. But the truth is, I have to. I have to learn to let go... 

17/12/2024

This stubborn eldest daughter needs to be in mom's tight hug and get some dad's head kisses today

16/12/2024

 I know a woman should be tough, should hold her head high, should have her boundaries, and be strong inside and out. She should know her place, her worth, and behave with grace. She should stand up for herself. But tonight... tonight, I can't be that strong.

My tears... I can no longer hold them back. I never asked for too much—not even the bare minimum. So how could you dare tell me I'm unworthy? That I am that bad?

You know how much I love you, how I’ve always tried to meet you where you are, to understand you, to care for you in ways that go beyond words. How could you? 

It does hurt... ya Allah. 

15/12/2024

It hurts, actually 

14/12/2024

Imagine a stack of blocks.  There’s everything you care about in there: your career, health, family, friends, hobby, dreams, even your happiness and time. And then... there's me. Sometimes, I feel like I’m at the very bottom of your stack. Other times, I feel like I’m not even part of it like just left off completely when I don't seem to fit or when it's not convenient. 

Meanwhile, since I found you, you weren't just another block. You were the piece that made me think "this is the one that makes it all better, that I will handle with care and love"

Dear readers (no readers actually😅) you might wanna laugh at me but yeah, it is what it is.. 

I get it, there’s so much that needs your attention and you got a lot going on. But being the piece that always left out.... is kinda... sad and confusing🙂

13/12/2024

"If he wanted to, he would. And if he doesn't, it simply means he chooses not to" remember that mindset. 

12/12/2024

I was there and I've never knew that someone's eyes could be so deep and bright at the same time. It's warm and gentle, felt like the world faded away and time was irrelevant. 

If this story doesn’t lead to a happy ending, may these memories remain beautiful for me. And may I be ready of whatever may come.

11/12/2024

I actually don't know what on his mind. As he has no exact plan for us, it makes me wonder that maybe he doesn't want me enough. Maybe he is just waiting for me to get tired over and over again or he is hoping that I would be the one that walk away. Who knows?

10/12/2024 (late)

It's like clinging to something fragile🙁

10/12/2024

When he shared that he feels loved when someone cooks for him, I realized that food was more than just food. It’s a love language. It’s about the effort, care, and thought behind every meal. But here’s the thing: I’ve never been much of a cook. So, I’m starting small, learning recipes, and experimenting with ingredients. 

Love also means respecting each other’s worlds. He has a packed schedule: work, research, and personal time. Instead of feeling left out or frustrated, I’m learning to respect his priorities. But let me be honest: this takes patience. A lot. We would never have reached this point if I had had no patience for the past two years.

After our recent trip, I’ve come to realize how much I appreciate his acts of service, such as taking care of things without being asked, noticing the little details of what I might want or need, and making sure I was happy and comfortable the entire time. These thoughtful gestures made me feel truly cared for and, most importantly, safe. Moreover, his willingness to compromise and be considerate has made me trust him to take this to the next level.

While I’m learning to love him in his language, I also hope he will learn to love me in mine. My primary love language is words of affirmation. For me, words hold significant meaning. A heartfelt compliment or encouragement, such as a simple "I appreciate you" or constant assurance that I matter, fills my heart in ways actions alone sometimes can’t. It’s not just about flattery—it’s about feeling seen and valued through language. 

I truly appreciate everything he does, and I can’t help but hope that one day he’ll understand how much words of affirmation would mean to me; they’d make things feel not just practical but also deeply fulfilling on an emotional level.

Because at the end of the day, love isn’t about doing what’s easy; it’s about doing what’s meaningful. and I wish for us to build a love where we’re both willing to learn and grow.