About Love (Part 1)

For years, I devoted myself to longing. I long for a reply to a text message, for a good night text after a hard day, or for a man that I like to look at me in a certain way. If I were in a relationship, I would want it to last forever. I felt like my journey of waiting should be over, and I don’t want another season of waiting. I wanted a happily ever after, just like in the princess stories I fantasize about. Forgive me for sounding cheesy, but it was longing for a connection, for true love. And in order for it to happen, I was willing to wait, no matter how long. That subtle feeling spread out into my life just like a mist that turned into fog; thus, I could not see anything clearly with it there 

I used to think that love was the source of my unhappiness, but it was not. In spite of the truth of it, I was only obsessed with the idea itself. All those nights I spent asking, “Will I ever find the love of my life?” without even daring to think about what precisely it was. Furthermore, I realized that learning about love is a never-ending journey and a beautiful lifelong project.

At 25, I learned the most about love from someone who finally swiped away the fog. Interestingly, not only is he a stranger, but he also has little to no chance to be with me (you can laugh now). Despite making me feel down and unworthy, that fact has made me find and acknowledge myself better. 

I learned that I am capable of feeling, acting, and giving the love to the person I love. I learned that when those feelings came, I could embrace them with openness, compromise things in order to try to meet halfway, and have such beautiful care and tenderness towards that special person. That I finally prove to myself that connection and a feeling of interest matter in order for me to be happy with a certain person. 

Although he is not a safe person to fall in love with, I still called him ‘the man of dreams’. That is really true, because he is unlikely to be real anytime soon. However, I learned that I am literally surrounded by love. Even love itself is growing healthy within me. I take care of, appreciate, and am kind to myself better than before. I could say, I am capable of loving. 

I also learned that one of the greatest acts of love is allowing someone to find their own path while I focus on mine. Yeah finally, I trust myself enough to try to pursue another dream. It is amazing to finally see with clearer sights and finally find something to work on, but of course, I am still waiting for a person that someday God will send me. 

To any person that I’ll end up with, don’t worry; I am a whole, I might not be asking you to complete me, but I knew that with you, the journey ahead would be a lot more fun, beautiful, and possible to bear. Surely it will sometimes be hard work to stay with each other, but it will be worth the hardship and pain. 

Yes, love is in me, in every drop of blood that runs through my body, and in every thread that knotted in my soul. It sounds exaggerated, but it is true, and it was not quite easy for me to reach that level of understanding.